Quirky is cute but not when you take it to the office. To be taken seriously by your colleagues and bosses, it’s not enough to be efficient. You have to look it, too.

Of course, if you’re trying to get fired pronto (because if you resign, you’re required to give two month’s notice and there’s this plum job you either go for now or lose forever), then you go the opposite way. You do all you can to convince everyone you’re a loose cannon, a walking liability, a catastrophe that’s about to happen. What better way to convince everyone you’re a few apples short of the pie than by carrying these handbags to work? Paired with your shift dresses and suits, these handbags will surely make your boss think twice about letting you handle clients or accounts.

How do you kill your career? Let me count five ways!

1. The Dog Bag

Pets may be cute but not when they’re handbags. Unleash your inner Paris Hilton by taking your little pal to the office. For maximum effect, interrupt an important discussion to rub noses with the cute little terrier on your desk.

2. The Goldbag (because you’ll die if you have to stay at your job another day)

Nothing says “This girl might be just the slightest bit unhinged” more than this gold gunbag. Look mysterious and dangerous as you carry this pretty purse. Then, take the time to drop by the manager’s office, swing your handbag within his seeing range (or better yet, plop it on his desk), put on a big insincere smile, and chirp, “Good morning, chief. Isn’t today a good day to die?”

Oh, and don’t forget to wink at him on your way out.

3. Mr. Toad

Be sure you’re wearing your most elegant suit when you take this handbag to the office. Swing it around flamboyantly as you walk up to your office. If you don’t get at least ten weird looks, this could only mean your bag is not getting the attention it deserves. What to do in this circumstance? Walk around the office and ask female colleagues to turn Mr. Toad into a prince with a kiss.

4. The Handbag (in the most literal sense possible)

Lend a hand with this handbag - literally! Take this handbag to a meeting or to a working lunch with the big guns. Then, when a client shakes your hand, offer him or her this hand purse instead.

If she squeals in fright, apologize by saying, “Oh, did Mimi scare you? I thought you might like her. She’s my favorite purse, and I’d simply die if I can’t take her everywhere.” If he gives a violent start, quip “Cute, huh? You could use it for back-scratching and backrubs, too!”

5. The Decapi-tote

Go for maximum scare with the decapi-tote. If you work in Human Resource, give other HR people a cackle as you stride in. Say “Look who went head-hunting!” and laugh in the best Cruella de Ville imitation you could carry. Not only would this make you look every inch the slightly sick person you want them to believe you are, your boss just might ask you to “take a few days off work” almost as soon as you walk through the front door.

With the decapi-tote to keep you company in your cubicle, it’s highly unlikely anyone would force you to serve the requisite two months’ notice.

Note that the handbags I enumerated are not for the faint of heart or the career-oriented. You should only lug them around if you truly want to sabotage your own post. If not, then you’d do well to stick to the handbags that say “Highly Skilled, Will Work” better than any resume can.